The Art of Giving and Receiving Feedback
When I first arrived in Canada, I went into a third-round interview excited and confident. I thought I was on the verge of an offer. At the end, the director gave me feedback: "You speak too fast. You need to slow down." As someone from Ireland, where fast talking is part of our culture, it felt like a rejection of who I am. It stung—and I didn’t get the job. That moment made me reflect on feedback: how it’s given, how it’s received, and why both matter. In this post, I explore how feedback, when handled with care, can lead to real growth.
Feedback doesn’t have to be painful. When we approach it with the right mindset—curiosity—it becomes a powerful tool for growth. In one of my favourite books Change Your Questions, Change Your Life by Marilee Adams, she explains how asking better questions can shift our perspective. This shift can change how we give and receive feedback.
Why Feedback Hurts
Feedback can feel like a punch to the gut. Why? Because it often clashes with the story we tell ourselves about who we are.
If you see yourself as hardworking and someone says, “You’re not pulling your weight,” it feels personal. You feel attacked. Defensiveness kicks in.
Adams explains this as “Judger Mode.” It’s when we react with negative thoughts like, “What’s wrong with me?” or “Why am I failing?” This thinking makes us feel small, ashamed, or even angry.
The Power of Curiosity
But there’s another way. Curiosity.
Instead of asking, “What’s wrong with me?” ask, “What can I learn from this?” This simple shift—moving from judgement to curiosity—can completely change how you receive feedback.
Marilee Adams calls this "Learner Mode." In this mode, you’re open to growth. You’re focused on improvement, not protecting your ego.
So, the next time you get feedback, take a breath. Ask yourself, “What new perspective can I gain?” This mindset transforms feedback from a threat to an opportunity.
How to Give Feedback with Kindness
Giving feedback is just as important as receiving it. And it should always come from a place of care.
It’s easy to point out what someone is doing wrong. But how we say it matters. The goal isn’t to criticize—it’s to help someone grow.
Start with compassion. Focus on the behavior, not the person. For example, instead of saying, “You’re always late,” try, “I’ve noticed you’ve been late, and I’d love to help find a solution.”
This approach shows respect. It also makes it easier for the person to hear what you’re saying without getting defensive.
Feedback Is a Sign of Respect
Feedback, when done right, is a sign of respect. When someone takes the time to give you feedback, they’re saying, “I care about your growth.”
This is important to remember. It’s easy to feel attacked when someone points out something we could improve. But if you can shift your mindset, feedback becomes an act of support, not criticism.
When giving feedback, frame it as an opportunity. Say, “I care about your development and want to share something that could help.” This shows that your feedback comes from a place of care.
Don’t Take It Personally
It’s hard not to take feedback personally. But feedback is about behaviour, not who you are as a person.
If someone gives you feedback, they aren’t saying you’re a failure. They’re pointing out something specific you can work on. Separate yourself from the feedback. It’s about your actions, not your identity.
In Change Your Questions, Change Your Life, Adams suggests asking, “What assumptions am I making about this feedback?” Are you assuming it means you’re failing?
Instead, ask, “How can this help me grow?” This shifts your thinking from fear to curiosity.
Make Feedback a Tool for Growth
When we give feedback with kindness and receive it with curiosity, it becomes a tool for growth. It’s no longer about judgement or criticism—it’s about learning.
So, the next time you’re faced with feedback, pause. Ask yourself, “What can I learn from this?” And if you’re giving feedback, ask, “How can I help this person grow?”
By making curiosity your default response, you transform feedback into something positive. It becomes a way to deepen your relationships, enhance your skills, and grow as a person.
Feedback doesn’t have to be scary. With kindness and curiosity, it becomes a gift.
